do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
