my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
