Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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