please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize