I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
