I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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