The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
last night I used snow as a chaser
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