haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
