They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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