I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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