I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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