so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
