just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
