I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize