dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
