Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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