I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
