She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
