I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
being pregnant is like rehab
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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