the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize