I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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