It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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