well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
