You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
