I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
