I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
