tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
