dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
