She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
a search helicopter?!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
