Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also, beer. Big fan.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
