they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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