Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
