apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
