Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize