so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
