so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
