ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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