She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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