I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
