It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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