last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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