Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
