He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
