I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
