My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
