btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
