awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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