dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
