At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
