My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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