I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
