i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
