I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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