We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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