I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
