I will die if light touches me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
