I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
