You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
